People Who Need To Be Socially Arrested

12/07/2013 14:45

So you know how people sometimes do things – horrible things – that just makes them complete and utter assholes? They haven’t done anything legally illegal (can I say that? Legally illegal?) But what they’ve done is so horrifically stupid that you just don’t understand how in the hell they can get away with it. Sometimes I am ashamed to share a species with certain people.

So I’ve been thinking, there should be some sort of system in place where people can be put under “social arrest” -  not to be released until they apologise. And mean it.

Let me mention a few things I am actually talking about – to clear up any confusion. (In no specific order. At all.) 

People who almost crash into you while cutting you off on the road, only to get caught by the red traffic light in the near distance, and stop in the same place as you anyway. Where are the cops on standby to say hey sir, you’re an asshole, and you’re under arrest. If we can’t have that then I will just pull up in the lane next to them and give them the creepiest face they have ever seen in their entire life. They will then think again before they act like such arrogant pricks in future road-related circumstances. 

People who drive too fast.

People who drive too slow.

People who do not flush the toilet. Need I say more?

Similarly, people who finish a roll of toilet paper and do not replace it, leaving you to be in a substantial amount of shit (Yes, pun very much intended) next time you attend to your business without checking the roll first.

People who eat or use your stuff without asking you. Social police, come and throw this thieving ass in jail please.  I have a particular problem with the sharing of things that create the unnecessary exchange of bodily bacteria. Razors. Toothbrushes. Bath sponges. Pumice stones. Nail clippers. Lip ice. Mascara. Hairbrushes…did I say razors? Anything. If I do not give you permission, just don’t use it. Doesn’t this just go unsaid?

People who finish a box of something (food) and leave the empty box/packet/whatever in the cupboard/fridge. Seriously, that’s just cruel, raising my hopes for no apparent reason. If you finish a box of biscuits, throw the damn box away, don’t leave it in the pantry, as I am extremely fond of biscuits, and if I open a box to find it empty – there will be trouble.

People who like their own Facebook statuses. Well, clearly you like it, otherwise you would not have put it on the bloody Internet. Same goes for pictures and videos. Did you really get so embarrassed that nobody liked your status that you became so desperate to give it just one like? Well, you’re now back to square one where you are still the only person who likes your status – just in a more awkward and publicly humiliating way.

Still in the realm of Facebook - people who type statuses clearly aimed at someone who is on their friend list. Don’t you have the guts to say something to someone’s face? Cowards. Seriously. If I have a problem with you, I am going to approach you and talk to you about it, and tell you how much I hate your stupid cow face, not whine about it to the whole world, trying to seem all brave and badass – which is actually the exact opposite of what you are.

People who clone Facebook accounts.

People who take pictures of their dinner and upload it. “OMG this is such a delicious healthy warm and nourishing meal, I love my life teehee #Awesome #LifeIsGood xoxo <3 <3”. Who are the kisses and hearts for? The strangers of the public? Because I’m pretty sure that’s called prostitution. Remember before Facebook how nobody cared what you ate for dinner? Yeah. They still don’t.

People who text in f****** shortened numbers and letters. Half the time I have to spend an ungodly amount of time deciphering what someone was trying to say; in other words, things would have been a hell of a lot simpler if they had just written in an actual language. Like English for example. English is good. “Hi grl ws up dou u wnt 2 gO gt sum fud b4 da mvie?” B4? Are we having a vitamin supplement before the film? We speak English people. Not bingo. 

Racists. Sexists. Chauvinists. Prejudices. Up-their-own-ass-ists.

Ok, this is one that really gets to me. After you have been driving around a parking lot for plus-minus an hour and finally find a parking and wait for the person to exit, indicator on and all, people who appear out of nowhere and take the parking. Bitch, I will kill you. As in take-your-life away kill you. You waltz in here (well, drive…like an asshole…) and take the first parking you see, regardless of whether someone was waiting for it for a decade or not. Next time this happens, I am getting out of my car and getting permission from the social police to beat the s*** out of your car. And your face. You do not deserve to be a part of society. Please do us all a favour and crawl into a hole and die. Along with Taylor Swift.

Bastards who, in a queue in a shop, are practically standing on top of you because they have no concept of personal space. You move forward to get away from them, and what do they do? They move forward with you. Listen up asshole, I moved to get the hell away from you, I didn’t invite you along on the trip.

12 year olds who dress like baby prostitutes. Just because you are starting to go through puberty does not mean you get to act like it. Not only are you asking for trouble, but you look fucking stupid. Actually, the people who need to be arrested here are the parents. How can you let your child walk out of your house wearing a belt instead of a skirt? Or with lips painted so white it look like who tried to do cocaine through the wrong face hole? Nails so long, if you have an itch you will need stitches. Duck-faces so prominent, you make the entire duck population of the world want to commit suicide at being associated with such atrocity.

As you can see, I could go on forever. So I’m gonna stop now otherwise you’ll stop reading this when you're dead.

I always wonder, how can people do things like this? I would never so much as imagine doing things like that to anyone, no matter how drunk or high I am. But then that’s the thing – of course you can’t imagine doing that, because you literally CAN’T imagine it, because you’re not them! Just as they are not you and cannot process the same logical level-headed human thoughts as you.

If anyone else can think of any other examples of people who need to be socially arrested, please share them and let’s all gang together and form the social police, before I get so angry with the human race that I go to jail for first degree murder.

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