Dear Taylor Swift

10/05/2013 11:28

Dear Taylor Swift,

As anyone who knows me knows, I am your biggest fan.

Pause, not (As Borat would say)

Every time you release a new song, I am given new confusion as to why you are famous. Who are you? Why are you hurting my ears? Your new song “22” is the worst yet. As soon as I hear it begin on the radio, my hand takes over and automatically changes channel. Thanks hand, what a champ.

So today I am going to be breaking down this piece of rubbish that is called “22” and help people to understand the bullshit that you talk, your severe Tourette syndrome and masochism. Let’s begin, shall we?

“It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes, ah ah, ah ah.”

Ok. First of all, this is ridiculously immature. Dressing up like a hipster? Wow. And making fun of your exes? Taylor, it is about time you get the hell over your exes. Which one are we on now, 56? I bet they all have a club where they get together and play games to figure out which song is about which guy. What a laugh. All you are doing is embarrassing yourself. Shut your face.

“It feels like a perfect night…”

I am sick of every single last bloody song of yours beginning with something or other to do with perfection or fairytales. It’s always either Once upon a time, or a perfect night…it’s a perfect time for you to retire and crawl into a hole and die. 

“…for breakfast at midnight”

Ok, you are clearly not a proper partier. It’s not breakfast; it’s simply stuffing your face, usually with McDonalds, because we are drunk. This meal has no name. It is the unspoken-drunken-McDonald-inside-face meal. Breakfast pursues the next evening, after which you go out again. Fail Taylor, fail.

Oh and heads up - you could have come up with a better rhyme for night than…night. That’s not a rhyme. That’s something we call duplicated word.

“To fall in love with strangers, ah ah, ah ah.”

Didn’t your Parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers…? And if they didn’t, they should be sent to gallows. You are inspiring young girls to fall in love with strangers. That is how you end up in 50 different pieces scattered over the city, which I think is a likely future for you, Taylor.

We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time”

I think you may be schizophrenic, then. If this is how you feel, then I suggest you seek help immediately, before you kill someone.

“It's miserable and magical, oh, yeah”

Again, get help for that schizophrenia.

“Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines”

What deadlines? You sing for a living (very badly I might add) You do not know what deadlines are. Shut your face and close your legs.

“It's time
Uh oh!”

Uh oh indeed, here comes the chorus. Dammit. Ear bleeding to pursue.

“I don't know about you,
But I'm feeling 22”

How old are you now Taylor, 23? Are you having glorious flashbacks of the “good old days” when you were 22? What…a year ago? Not even? Shut your face. An 80-year old singing about when she was 22 is plausible. You singing about it - not plausible. And neither is your face.

“Everything will be alright
If you keep me next to you”

Wait…who? Who should keep you next to them? I thought we were talking about being single, free and happy and forgetting about the male species. I do not understand this. This does not make any sense to me Taylor. It’s almost as if you have Tourette Syndrome, “Everything will be alright if you…keepmenexttoyou!What? Who? You are so depressed about being alone it has given you Tourettes. So we have Schizophrenia and Tourettes so far. Hope she has enough money for that medical bill. Oh, wait. Yeah that’s right.

“You don't know about me
But I'll bet you want to”

Always the excuse, right? “You don’t know me”. Actually, the world knows you more than you know yourself, you pathetic whining cow. Also, I couldn’t give less of a flying f*** anyway. So no, I really don’t want to. And neither does anyone else. Sorry.

“Everything will be alright
If we just keep dancing like we're

This lyric site forgot to add in the goat/sheep noises.

How does a 22 year old dance compared with a 23 year old? Have you suddenly aged and become old within less than 12 months and now you don’t dance the same anymore? Hey everyone, we’re 23, but let’s all dance like we’re 22!


“It seems like one of those nights,
This place is too crowded.

Grammatical error. You began to say it feels like one of those nights, then left the sentence hanging and moved onto another. In the same sentence. Go to primary school. Doesn’t look like you ever went. So the place is too crowded. You suffer from claustrophobia. Schizophrenia, Tourettes, and Claustrophobia. Someone call 10111. This girl needs to be locked up in an insane asylum.

“Too many cool kids, ah ah, ah ah (who's Taylor Swift anyway, ew?)”

Ok this is one of my favourites. She is mocking the people who don’t know her or care for her music. Honey, when people say stuff like that, it’s because they are conscious to the fact that you are nothing more than a human being like the rest of us who also sits on the crapper and has functioning insides that can also fail at any given moment. You are not a God. You are a measly human. Sorry sweetheart. Wake the f*** up.

“It seems like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming
Instead of sleeping.”

Error. Dreaming is something you do while you’re sleeping. Not apart. If you are talking about the clichéd prospect of having life dreams (a.k.a goals) then you have still phrased this wrong. It is in a different context, so has nothing to do with sleeping.

We can add early-onset-Dementia to the list.

We're happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way”

How can being confused and lonely be a good thing? If you’re gonna be in denial about something, at least make it sound believable. Face palm.

“It's miserable and magical, oh, yeah
Tonight's the night when we forget about the heartbreaks
It's time”

You’ve been saying this for a long time now, Taylor. So that time is still coming? I thought it was time to forget about the heartbreak when you told him you are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever  ever ever ever  ever ever ever  ever ever ever  ever ever ever ever ever ever  ever ever ever  ever ever ever  ever ever ever getting back together.


“Uh oh! (hey!)
I don't know about you
But I'm feeling 22
Everything will be alright
If you keep me next to you
You don't know about me
But I'll bet you want to
Everything will be alright (alright)
If we just keep dancing like we're
22 (oh, oh, oh)
I don't know about you

I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit.

“It feels like one of those nights,
We ditch the whole scene.
It feels like one of those nights,
We won't be sleeping.”

Wow, you’re so hardcore. Some of us do this all the time, we just don’t whine about it and repeat ourselves in badly written songs making the universe’s ears bleed.

“It feels like one of those nights,
You look like bad news,
I gotta have you,
I gotta have you.”

There goes the Tourettes again.

You look like bad news…IgottahaveyouIgottahaveyou.

Another one of my personal favourites. One of the biggest things wrong with you is your fear of being alone and your attachment issues. You know someone is bad news – but you gotta have them. Just like in“Trouble” when you stated that you knew he was trouble when he walked in. So…why the f*** did you let him walk in?? Because you are weak and stupid. You are the type of girl who will end up disemboweled and sliced up, or dismantled and strewn around the city. Or, at least someone who ends up in abusive marriages and cannot get out of them until the day your die - Or someone makes you die. God. 

The remainder of the song is pure repetitive bullshit. You know how some people shampoo their hair twice because they forget they have already done it? You do this in your songs Taylor. Even after countless opportunities to listen and re-listen and final mix and everything, you still forget throughout that you have already said something. 10 times. 20 times. Or maybe you just don’t have enough brain cells to come up with more lyrics, so you just repeat yourself and make people think you awesome by just keeping on dancing. That is all you are inspiring children to do. You are pathetic, and the worst role model a child could have. I would rather my child idolize Nicki Minaj (And this is saying something) who has at least found herself and doesn’t give a shit about men who hurt her, but moves on and is a strong independent woman, than a child who idolizes you and is a weak little bitch who cannot stand up for herself and will end up in 10 pieces over the city. Get that shampoo out of hair hair already and move the f*** on.

So what have we learnt from this song? That you have Schizophrenia, Tourettes syndrome, Claustrophobia and Dementia. What an inspiration.

Please seek assistance as soon as possible, and stop poisoning our ears with your problems.


Leavemethehellalonepleaseandretireanddieinahole (Lauren)


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Cheers Cheerios.