Dear Justin and all "beliebers"

17/05/2013 08:44


Dear Justin Bieber,

Along with Taylor Swift, you are one of my favourite, favourite people.

I absolutely love you.

When you shut your face.

There are a ton of your songs on the radio, literally bloody everywhere, like a horror movie, and today I am going to be breaking down your song “boyfriend”, so we can take a look at how you are actually a potential kidnapper with possessiveness issues.

Let’s get started shall we?

If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go

What happened to never say never?

Like…out? With friends? Or just as a whole? Cause that, dear Justin, is called being possessive, as well as a stalker, and your ass could end up in jail for that shit. Or maybe juvenile detention – not sure if you can be classified as grown up enough to take responsibility for your actions…

I can take you places you ain’t never been before

Like…your secret chamber where there is no hope of release? And if you are talking sexually…come on. That’s just downright denial.

Baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know

…How to build up survival skills of setting yourself free from the rath of Justin Bieber?

Or how small your penis is?

I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow

Oh here we go. The “best way” to get a girl around your little finger. This sentence could be seen in many ways. Are you just showing off like always, or are you secretly gay, and expressing some hint toward the fact that you want to “blow” your money? A.k.a. Use the money to be blown, or blow.

Swag swag swag, on you

I knew it. Many people do not know this, but the term SWAG was in actual fact invented in the early 60’s by a group of gay men in Hollywood. It stands for “Secretly We Are Gay”, and was most frequently used as code on posters announcing gay orgies.

I rest my case.

Chillin by the fire while we eatin’ fondue

This is appropriate owing to the fact that every single one of your songs is cheesy as f***.  They’re not hot though, unless you’re referring to the slow melting of my brain as I try to fight off the slow dumbing down of it from your clichéd “well-thought-out” lyrics.

I dunno about me but I know about you

What do you know about me? What do you mean? I told you he was an overly possessive stalker. Poor Selena. Girl must get out of there before she ends up tied up with money being blown on her face.

So say hello to falsetto in three two…

Wow, you opened a dictionary. You know, throwing a few fancy words in every now and then will send little girls up the wall with excitement, “wow, he must be super smart, I don’t even know what falsetto means!”

Don’t worry sweetheart. Neither does he.

I’d like to be everything you want

Yeah, well you can keep dreaming then.

Hey girl, let me talk to you

No! Leave me alone!

If I was your boyfriend, never let you go

Did you not hear me when I just asked you to leave me alone?

Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone

It’s like you’re torturing me with the fact that you’re going to surgically glue your body to mine and never let me do anything with my own life. How can you young girls fall for this?

I can be a gentleman, anything you want

So…being a gentleman is negotiable? Cause I thought that went unsaid. I know it would be a struggle though Justin, to put on the gentleman act. Maybe you could learn a tip or two from PSY?

If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

So you’re very proud of the fact that you have possessiveness issues.

Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don’t
I could be your Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe

DON’T bring Buzz into this. Buzz is a hero. You are a zero. If you EVER compare yourself to him again, I will fly across the globe and buzz your brains out until you won’t be able to sing for at least a light year.

I don’t never wanna fight yeah, you already know

Yep, she won’t be able to, cause she’ll be gagged.

I am ‘ma a make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow. Burr

The snow? What about the sun? The sun is bright. Or like a diamond? At least Rihanna was closer to making more sense – and I’m not a Rihanna fan either. And that “Burr”? What was that? Was that supposed to be kinky? Cause that was just downright freaky. And also, you’re a male, you’re ‘not supposed’ to get cold. Oh wait. But let’s not be mean guys, Justin Bieber is not a girl.

He’s a lady.

Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend

Just drilling it in in case you didn’t’ get it the first time…

You could be my girlfriend until the ---- world ends

Oh Justin. Swearing just doesn’t suit you. Let’s not. Your mouth needs to go through puberty first.

Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind

…So…you’re gonna give her drugs?

I’d like to be everything you want
Hey girl, let me talk to you
If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

Come on, seriously? Are you gonna fall for that girls? All talk and no action?

Literally. There probably ain’t gonna be no action.

So give me a chance, ‘cause you’re all I need girl

This song is basically jus saying the same thing over and over in different ways, he could have got his message across in 6 damn words.

Hey, will you be my girlfriend?

No Justin.


Spend a week wit your boy I’ll be calling you my girlfriend

Yes you are a little boy aren’t you…so you admit that you haven’t hit puberty yet?

If I was your man…

Ok now I’m a little confused. He just said spend a week “wit yo boy”, now he says “If I was your man”. Even he doesn’t know what he is. I think he is trying to cover up for the fact that he is neither. Over-compensation NOT for the win.

I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right

It’s always hard when you wanna do something but just can’t.

If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, never let you go
Na na na, na na na, na na na
Ya girl
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
Na na na, na na na, na na na ey
If I was your boyfriend

Isn’t it amazing that as the song goes on the lyrics get dumber and dumber and more and more repetitive. It’s like that image of the apes walking and slowly each one stands up straighter and straighter – but this is in reverse. And naturally when you can't think of any more lyrics you resort to "na-ing" or "oooh-ing" to the patheticaly written tune (That was written for you anyway)


Justin Bieber was here in SA but a short while ago, and I could not believe the craziness that was taking over my country. I was slightly ashamed to be a South African for the period of time that he was here. Seriously. A fan was even quoted on the radio saying that seeing Justin live is better than getting married or having a child or anything. Seriously, f*** you. Please just crawl into a hole and die. He is a human being. Not a God – a human being who will also fail to function without food, water or toilet paper. Reality check folks.


So what have we learnt from this song today? That Justin Bieber has possessiveness issues and is a potential kidnapper and serial killer. Highly educational.


I can feel my brain disintegrating at the lack of stimulation… I need to go and…read a book or something…

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